Recently my pastoral duties called me to walk alongside two dear families as they grieved their respective losses through miscarriage. It was a reminiscent of our own loss some years ago when my wife and I lost our unborn child of three months old. What do you say or do in such moments of pain or even anger? It is impossible to come up with one-size fits all answer. Nevertheless, here are some things we found helpful and brought comfort to my wife and me in our loss.
Remember the hope of resurrection. In 2 Samuel 12:15-23 we read of the child that David had with Bathsheba out of their adulterous affair. The child became sick as soon as he was born. David humbled himself before the Lord and pleaded for the healing of his child. But the Lord decided to take the child away through death. David then rose up from the ground where he lay all night fasting and praying. He washed himself, changed his clothes, and went into the temple to worship God. This puzzled his servants and they asked him, “What is this that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food?” David responded with the hope of resurrection and said, “I shall go to him (the child), but he will not return to me.” This too should be the hope of every believer grieving miscarriage. One day you will go to your child.
Don’t be afraid to reverently ask God questions. When miscarriage occurs there are many questions on the parents’ mind. Often the parents wonder why did God allow this to happen. Do not hesitate to humbly bring your questions before God while acknowledging that he is the potter and you are the clay. God does not condemn his questioning children. The book of Psalms is full of questions that God’s children humbly asked him. He rendered a listening ear and he still does. He might not always answer every question you ask, but you must be assured that he notices every tear you shed and every pain you feel (Psalm 56:8). That privilege alone to pour your heart to God relieves much pain and sorrow. As one hymn writer wonderfully observed, “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.”
Do not be afraid to process and grieve in the way that is unique to you. What is the best way to mourn the loss of miscarriage? Should you blame yourself when you grieve differently from others who went through a similar loss? Is something wrong with you when you are slow in processing the loss? Are you incongruous to prefer keeping the loss to yourself and a limited circle of family and friends? The answer to all these questions should be in the negative. Different couples process and grieve their loss differently. The only commonality in all grieving believers should be the gospel hope of resurrection (1 Thess. 4:13). Further, if in grieving you are descending into despair or depression then for sure there is a need to ask for help from your pastor or a godly counselor.
Husbands, support your wives in grieving miscarriage. This might sound a bit illogical because the husband is also mourning the loss. However, often miscarriage is more hard and painful to the mother than the father. It was the mother who was carrying the baby in her womb. She was closer to the child than the husband. The husband might heal quicker from the loss than the wife so the husband should seek to be more understanding to his wife. Be there for your wife and render a listening ear. Ask what might help to relieve the pain a little. It could be taking a walk together or even getting out of your environment for some days. This is not to say that you should be a superman. You can’t and you were not meant to be. Both you and your wife need to lean on the ever-sustaining arm of Christ. He alone is able to sympathize with your weakness and supply the strength and comfort you desperately need.
Lastly, a word to family and friends of a grieving couple. Sometimes it is said with good and sincere intentions but it often sounds insensitive and less comforting to the one grieving. Please avoid statements like, “I know it hurts but be encouraged the Lord will give you another child.” Praise the Lord if he will give another child, but that will be ANOTHER child. That child will never replace the one that the couple has lost now. Let them with hope in Christ bear the sorrow of their loss. When it will please the Lord to grant a gift of another child, they will certainly celebrate then. As the wise man said there is time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 2). So let the time of grieving be the grieving time.
There are a fewer sorrows in the world greater than losing a child through miscarriage. Each one of us being fearfully and wonderfully made by God will grieve the loss differently. Yet the blessed hope of resurrection should be typical to all believers. Death does not have the final say. The empty grave of Christ is our hope. Where he is, is where we shall be also. On that day Christ will wipe every tear from our eyes. Oh, Lord hasten the day!
Confex Makhalira 